Paperback Writer

Over caffeine and an open, blank word document where my research paper was supposed to be appearing, I discussed with Dez the plans for my bright future and came up with one of my better ideas for a vocation: Romance Novel Writer. It all seems pretty simple- rugged, good lookin’ man slightly haunted by his past and/or conveniently dead wife meets a woman suffering from recent heartbreak and/or amnesia. The two converse briefly when they haphazardly meet (as if by fate) when he rescues her from the forest where she’s been stumbling around being amnesiatic (naturally, he found her when he was out doing rugged, manly activities). Of course, somewhere along the way she will have gotten doused in water, and so she’ll have to change into the only article of clothing that the manly lumberjack still has lying around from his dead wife- a racy yet moth-eaten teddy! Oh, all this equals romance.

I don’t see too much of a problem with this as writing comes somewhat easily to me (I mean, c’mon, just look at this sweet blog. Do I even have to say it?), though I could see where this would be a flooded market that would be hard to break into. This isn’t a conclusion drawn through careful research of course, but by my memory of the rows upn rows of romance novels lining the walls of half price books, going at about a nickel a novel. So what I need to do is a) come up with a clever pseudonym and b) get a really racy cover and title. The story itself is secondary to these things- especially the cover art. What would the tale of the manly lumberjack and amnesiac’s love be without a picture to flip to on the front- can’t you just see the lonely housewife turning to the cover and sighing as she sees all the canoodlin’ fun those two are having? And the name is important as well- I doubt Danielle Steele would be as popular with a name like Claudette Applebottom. So I’m thinking of playing on that feminine name coupled with a more masculine, hard word. Like Cynthia Craftsmen…or Sofia Socketwrench. Something like that. Suggestions are welcome!

The only tough thing about the job is that I may have to do a little research and actually read one of the damn things…if not for writing tips, than euphemisms for male and female doo-dads. Like, I know you can say “manhood” or “throbbing member,” maybe even “opening flower” or “cornshoot”… but what about when you need to refer to ovaries or prostates? “Her shivering almonds trembled at the prospect of finally having one of their sweet, yet unappreciated, eggs fertilized. Could he be the one? The baby daddy that the uterus had so often whispered about?” Hawt. Nothing hotter.