Ruby Tuesday

as everybody probably already knows, i haven't had tv for about a year and a half, so i'm not one of the priveleged masses who get to watch such things as Entertainment Tonight and other such infotainment. but every now and then i'll come up with some obscure fact about the latest celebrity love triangle/baby/cocaine scandal, and i wonder how the dramatic lives of pretty, empty-headed celebrities have leaked into my oh so drab life full of late nights with course packets and microwavable delicacies. but today, while waiting in line at HEB, i was reminded of where my quality celebrity gossip comes from- the tabloids. Here i can find all the information i need to know about the world; apparently "TomKat" are on the prowl, experts want to dig up steve irwin's dead body, oprah and stedman are on the rocks, and jennifer aniston is done slummin' it with vince vaughn and has her eye on matthew mcconaughey. oh, and "love changed" christina aguilera from a greased up streetwalker to a slightly less greasy gal that wears adequately sized clothing.

it made me want a career in tabloids. it would be pretty simple- splash a few incriminating photos of the chosen celebrity that makes them fit your headline, write a paragraph or two that most likely end in phrases such as, "Did scientology brainwash katy holmes into wearing that tacky outfit?!" or "Does Paris in fact have the herps? all signs point to yes!" and then i could make money. what's a soul when you can stuff your mattress full of hundreds and jump around on it, cackling like mad?

i'd probably just as easily see my soul slide right out if i went into radio sales... i'm sure there's some guidelines on this, so i'll get back to you on that one.